I Get To Be the Fried Chicken Queen!

So, two of my favorite books about the south are Queen of the Turtle Derby by Julia Reed, the head writer at Vogue and who also happens to be from my home town, and the Sweet Potato Queen's Book of Love by some lady from Jackson whose name I am blanking at the moment. Anyway, both of these women love the concept of getting to be a queen and wear a tiara, especially if you can do it for something stupid or give it to yourself. Now, not to degrade those women out there who are former beauty queens, Mardi Gras presentees, or debutantes, but DANG. Y'all just didn't pick the right events. I want to share with you REAL beauty queens. And check out their tiaras. Why would you WANT to be Miss America? She gets just a crappy, one-tier tiara, not like these gorgeous pieces of hair fluff. I am just not sure if I would really want to be a sawmill or meat pie queen.

Queens


And the funny thing is, most of these women are actually attractive. But how can you use "Cracklin Queen" on your resume? Yes, I was the queen of deep fried pig skin, and she didn't even get a CROWN. No sparkles, either. I bet she didn't have any real competition. I remember one time I was in Shippensburg, Pennsylvania, for the summer and I happened to be at their county fair watching the beauty pageant, and well, some of those young ladies looked like they fell face first off the back of a tractor, and their gowns had NO SPARKLES. If you don't like shiny stuff, don't try to be a beauty queen. Go for the fluffiest sheep award. Beauty queens must have shiny stuff, good posture, no fat flipping over the top of their underwear, and really, really good hair. And colored eye shadow. Yet another example of how the South doesn't need to rise again since we are already far above other parts of the nation in our beauty queen training. Can you imagine asking someone in say, Idaho, about beauty pageant advice? Now, as I peruse these queens, I find it hard to pick which one I am most jealous of, so I would love if you would put in my comment box which crown you want to claim, or if you are male and so inclined, who is your favorite. Thanks to the blog Deep Fried Kudzu for sending me to these lovely girls.

And I was having a pretty good day today, until my husband pointed out that my yeast allergy prevents me from drinking beer. Oh, well, at least there was not an allergic reaction to grapes.