The penitentiary educational experience.

So, now that I am all happy and healthy, I am sort of out of ideas about what to write about, so I thought I would tell you about a field trip from high school that my class went on.

I went to a small (49 in graduating class), non-denominational Christian school. I can honestly say that it was AWFUL. For me, personally, everything was awful about it. I had some good friends, but the education was the pits. I have talked to some classmates since we graduated who don't have the burning hatred that I did/do, but it was a huge waste of my time. I had 4 good teachers in 4 years, 2 of which were science (funny, huh, in a conservative, Christian school?), a math teacher that made Napoleon look mellow, and an UNBELIEVABLY awesome Church History teacher. Basically, after one year with him, history on the college level was a joke. Here is an example of a test from THE POPE (he ruled our lives, the world, etc.). "Tell me about Martin Luther, including history, influences, and impact. Seven pages front and back (handwritten) will PASS you." To this day, I can tell you LOTS about the Protestant Reformation, and I can tell you pretty much how every Protestant denomination evolved. I loved this class, this teacher, this experience.

Anyway, back to my class. We individually weren't bad, but collectively, we were a nightmare. Our poor history teacher, Mrs. Miller, thought it would be a good idea to take a trip to Vicksburg, since it was American History and all. If you ever have seen a PBS show where they show the locusts decimating a field, that is pretty much what the kleptomaniacs did to the gift shop in the Old Courthouse, while the charming Daughters of the Confederacy were naively asking, "May I help you, darling?" OH! And every time a flat surface was found, someone would start breakdancing. History, schmistory. After we returned, our class had any and all future fun opportunities taken away from us, until.... Civics and Government time! The 1-2 punch of junior year. What I took away: Anyone born between 1968-1975 can sing the Preamble to the Constitution thanks to School House Rock, and I don't want to go to prison.

See, that was our last field trip. After you took these classes, the buses were loaded and off to Parchman we went. Parchman was at one time the second deadliest prison in America, barely below angola in Louisiana. And, Mississippi has long been an enthusiastic supporter of the death penalty. Parchman is kind of freaky. It doesn't really have fences around it, nor does it have guard towers. It is smack dab in the middle of probably a 1000 acres of field, and you would have to run a mile in any direction before you could find a lick of cover to hide behind.

So, we roll in. The first thing they do is give us "guides." Your guides in Parchman are all convicted murderers. No arsonists or armed robbers for you.... Anyway, THUMPER gets on the bus, and like a homing pigeon zooms in on the meanest, awfulest boy in our class. this is a boy who caused nightmares and I am still not sure could have been redeemed. So, THUMPER plops down by Andrew (not his name), and says, "Give me your watch." Andrew says, "Expletive, nah." THUMPER says, "Do you remember why I am here? I can take you outside right now and show you how I got my nickname." Thumper gets a new watch. Andrew has a new best friend. Thumper repeatedly tells Andrew that if he ever comes to prison, he would be someone's boyfriend with 10 minutes because he has shown he is weak. I loved Thumper and followed him like a dog all day.

Many of us were somewhat "wild" in the love to party sense, but not wild enough to be prepared for Parchman. We got the full-on show. When we went to Death Row to see the electric chair, we were told to say away from the cells, since the prisoners might decide to use us as target practice. I think the threat of having crap thrown at you should be considered as a form of crowd control. Death Row was awful, quiet, and very, very clean. It is terrible looking at someone you know will die, and probably did something unbelievably awful to deserve it.

Then we were taken to the highest level of lockdown. This was my personal waterloo. Looking down a long row of cells, several stories high, the prisoners banging their food trays, and if, God forbid, you looked at them, the tongue gymnastics you would get! Still gives me the heebie-jeebies.

This was also 1986. AIDS was just really starting to register on the awareness of MS, and it was still in the stage where how you caught it was not completely clear. But they took us to AIDS camp. Prisoners are loosely clustered by crime, unless at the time you were gay. Then you were sent to the gay camp. Ostensibly, this was to protect the prisoners who were gay, but well, I imagine a lot of people came out with AIDS that didn't arrive with it. For me, this was also a surreal experience. Basically, it was pretty easy to grow up in MS and not ever meet anyone who was homosexual. But as soon as we got in this camp, all the prisoners lined up on both sides of the sidewalk, and we basically had to walk the guantlet. The girls were completely safe, but those baseball and football players, they KNEW what future awaited them if they ever came to prison. It was GREAT. Reverse sexism. I know of one classmate, who was a particular favorite because of his round, firm buns, who has completely blocked this whole experience. Fortunately, I reminded him.

Well, after this unbelievable trip, we were loaded up. Andrew got his watch back, but he was actually nice for the 2 hours it too to return. I wouldn't be surprised if that was still a record for the longest period of kindness in his life. Thumper got paroled for good behavior.

So, dear readers, here is my question. Would you let YOUR child/sibling go on a field trip to a prison? I learned a lot, so my kids would TOTALLY have their heinies planted on a seat. Way more informative than a science museum or the zoo. Don't have to worry about the kids you are chaperoning running off, either. And there isn't any gift shop to buy souvenirs.

Oh, wait! Found something funny! A blog called Stuff White People Like. The computer won't let me cut and paste it this moment...